IMPERIAL SECURITY GRID
TRADE FEDERATION NOT REQUIRED • SPINNING OPTIONAL
CHALLENGE 1 / 3
SECURE CHANNEL
AUTHORISING ACCESS
Propaganda node handshake in progress…
The Galaxy's Premier Government
Peace. Order. Absolutely no Jedi.
*"From my point of view, the Jedi are evil" is now official policy. *"It's over, Anakin" is considered sedition unless spoken ironically by HR.
Imperial Benefits
Join billions of satisfied citizens who survived the rebranding from "Republic" to "Empire" with minimal paperwork—and maximum podracing footage in the Senate archives.
Temple overcrowding? We implemented a bold one-night-only "youngling relocation" program. Lord Vader handled intake personally—no waitlist, no refunds, no loose ends.
Our Stormtroopers have terrible precision aim that ensures you'll never be hit! Statistically the safest army to be shot at by. 100% survival rate*
*Based on encounters with main characters only.
We built a planet-sized laser in complete secrecy. Your local government can't even fix a pothole. The Death Star: the ultimate conversation piece.
Small thermal exhaust port included at no extra charge.
All-black uniforms. Capes. Shiny helmets. The Empire wrote the book on galactic fashion. Meanwhile, the Rebels are out here in vests and cargo pants.
Capes not available for non-Sith personnel.
Every time our boss walks in, a full orchestra plays. When was the last time your boss got a John Williams score? Exactly.
Duh duh duh, duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-DUH!
We employ millions of clones. Talk about an inclusive workplace! They come in one color and one size. Perfect uniformity!
We're working on the "diversity" part. Give us a few decades.
Citizen Reviews
(These testimonials were not coerced. At all. We promise.)
"I used to worry about making choices. Now the Empire makes them for me! It's incredibly libera— I mean, liberating."
Citizen TK-421
Not at his post
"The Death Star really ties the galaxy together. Alderaan was an eyesore anyway. This review is voluntary."
Grand Moff Tarkin
No longer accepting invitations to battle stations
"I find this Empire most impressive. The health plan could be better—I keep losing limbs—but the dark side has great cookies. Sand-free break room, too. I hate sand."
D. Vader
Sith Lord, Full-Time Asthmatic
Mandatory Participation
Take this quick, completely rigged fair quiz to prove your loyalty to the Empire! All participants receive a free prize!
☠️ WANTED ☠️
FOR TREASON AGAINST THE EMPIRE
UNKNOWN TRAITOR
Species: Pending | Threat Level: MAXIMUM
₩ 5,000,000
BOUNTY — DEAD OR ALIVE (PREFERABLY DEAD)
Bounty hunters have been dispatched to your location. Please do not resist. Resisting is... futile and also very rude.
🚨 BOUNTY HUNTERS INCOMING 🚨
Your IP address has been forwarded to Boba Fett, Bossk, Dengar, IG-88, Zuckuss, 4-LOM, and that one guy with the weird hat.
Civic Duty
Know someone who owns a glowing sword, wears robes, or claims to feel "the Force"? REPORT THEM IMMEDIATELY.
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Planets "Liberated"
0
Jedi "Relocated"
0
Stormtrooper Shots Fired
0
Stormtrooper Shots Hit